So today I realized that I haven't been enjoying college, like at all. As not insightful as that sounds, it's actually a huge deal for me to see that, because on paper I look great and it seems like I've made all the right decisions. I thought I was supposed to play by the rules, but what the fuck, I never have so why would I think to start now? And sadly enough, it's the typical bullshit too - I got too ambitious and I lost sight of myself. Last year I joined the crew team because I thought being busier would make me happier, and I wanted to get out of my internal bubble of ridiculousness, but it just meant not getting enough sleep or enough time to actually think about anything. It meant becoming an exhausted robot. And I didn't let myself quit the team because I'd already made the commitment, but to what? It's not a meaningful commitment if you feel like death whenever you think about it. This year, I've thrown all my energy into getting a 4.0 because I thought law school would make me happy and make me the person I want to be, but it won't because that kind of answer can't ultimately come from an external force. "Proving people wrong" and "showing them I'm better" are the emptiest fucking mantras I could live by, because clearly my problem was with myself, if I thought changing the way other people saw me would fix things. I would look at beautiful girls with beautiful clothes on and then look at myself and see that I could truly be that - beautiful, smooth, simple, correct. But when you hold yourself to an external standard, ultimately you're going to become as shallow as it. Cliche but true - I've been living like life has an ultimate ending point, which obviously we all die and that's the end but let's think a little more creatively and constructively here. There is no objective external standard of success to hold ourselves too. I never cared if other people thought I was crazy for what I said. I've always known that, so how the fuck did I forget?

The weather today is beautiful, and I am such a sucker for beautiful weather. I always have been, because there's a difference between measuring yourself purely by objective or external standards and gauging yourself as an entity that relates in a certain individual way to the things you experience. Not to be too fucking obvious here but the final most crucial thing to happiness (or contentment, because real happiness is not feverish, it is strong and intense and pulsating) is taking a step back from what is expected of you and not giving a shit what other people think.

How the fuck did I even get to the point where I need to remind myself of that? This is the kind of post I would read on someone else's blog and be like wow, that's the most obvious, the most shallowly contemplative thing I've ever read, give me a fucking break I could do better. But I can't right now and that's both stressful and ridiculous.

Today I saw a black woman in faded jeans and jean jacket with one of those annoying earpieces just breaking out all her fucking dance moves on the subway platform. People were looking at her like she was crazy, but I thought it was hilarious and awesome.

And that, my friends, is the sad sad point I've come to.